WHO gives a damn about Valentine's Day?
Celebrated each year on February 14, the tradition stems back to a guy who was executed by the Romans for marrying off soldiers on the QT and tending to persecuted Christians.
Fitting perhaps, that in death there was life, for romance at least.
Although I'm not sure how Valentine felt at that stage.
Geoffrey Chaucer gave the concept oxygen in the Middle Ages when courtly love and black death were all the rage.
These days it can be summed up in a poem: "Roses are red, violets are blue, retailers want lots of money from you."
Extracted mainly in the form of flowers, dinner, chocolate, cards and champagne.
If you can be bothered at all.
Like the Super Bowl, Grammys and so many other things you thought were American but turned out to be from somewhere else, we Aussies seem to get excited these days.
Actually, I think Super Bowl and the Grammys are totally Yank.
I was thinking more Halloween, which after extensive research on Wikipedia has been established as not being an American tradition and is therefore OK for Aussies to get into it.
Not that Aussies need an invitation - we're always up for something different.
Like a new government, as Tony Abbott found out. But not this week, at least.
Tony's promised to get more luvvy duvvy with Team Australia and I guess we'll see how things go.
Meanwhile, there are a few cool things you can do to celebrate St Valentine's Day.
Like make a memory box over the years and dig it out each February for a bit of a chat about the good, the bad and the fugly.
All those things that brought you together back in the formative day and ultimately left you welded on.
Getting lost perhaps, suffering some form of trauma, coming out of rehab. Good times.
But you can only take that round the block so many times before you're reminded of the sometimes obligatory, sometimes humdrum, sometimes repetitive, reality-based nature of relationships.
So at odds with romance, which throws down the gauntlet to be better than you are. Or could be bothered to be.
It's in the trying that matters. And as St Valentine found out, the dying.
Choosing the right romantic option is fraught with risk.
With that in mind, there's another poem that goes:
"Romance is hard, and if you can't get the gist; Consult a 20-things-to-do-on-Valentine's Day list."
Rekindling romance is the aim, and often it's associated with highs.
Go climb something, but don't jump off.
If you go skydiving, make sure your partner's parachute is attached. Otherwise questions will be asked.
Adventure triggers the feel-good hormone dopamine, often mistaken as anxiety.
Just remember as you jump out of the plane that those sweaty palms and flushed cheeks will be the result of you in freefall, not your relationship.
Another idea is to make time to be together, alone. Lock the door for a bit of "we" time. Go to bed early. Unless that is why the romance is waning.
Whether you do or don't have relations is not important. Unless you do, and fall pregnant.
That will trigger the next chapter in romance often overlooked on St Valentine's Day - kids.
And no wonder they rate such little mention.
Another way to spark romance is dancing. It literally brings people together.
For many of us, a good starting point might be square.
If dirty dancing is the ultimate goal, turn up the heat with a salsa, but under no circumstances try Argentine tango. Done wrong, there is no greater guarantee of relationship malfunction.
It's often said food is a way to the heart, although a more direct path might be through the ribcage with a stake. Assuming you're not vampire killers, try eating together.
If you haven't been doing that chances are you're not in a relationship and should maybe see someone about stalking issues.
If you do manage a meal together, try not to burp, unless looking to reinforce how comfortable you have become. Just make sure you're not in a restaurant.
Nothing says "I want to be alone with you" more than flirting.
A sexy glance, a grab on the partner's bum, a bit of eyebrow dancing. Be careful, though, your partner may think you're on drugs.
Touch is a key element to warm and fuzzy feelings.
It triggers the bonding hormone oxytocin and helps heal the hurt from past wounds. Particularly if those past wounds were the result of a neck massage that triggered unfortunate knotting.
One of the basic rules to romance is isolation.
Getting away for a dirty weekend doesn't have to be expensive either - go camping. It's a big country and a broad, brown land.
Nothing says "I love you" so much as mud and mosquitoes.
Remarks made in a tent about "pretty mouths" can be real sexy, so long as not mentioned in the same sentence as "squealing like a pig".
Failing that, try telling your partner "I love you".
It may not be necessary, but if all romantic efforts backfire, it should salvage the situation, until next February 14.