WHEN Shane and Shannon Sandford got married in March, 2012, they thought they would give themselves a year to enjoy being newlyweds before they tried to have a baby.
Subscribe now for unlimited access.
$0/
(min cost $0)
or signup to continue reading
A little more than a year later, the Charlestown couple fell pregnant.
They were elated.
But their exhilaration did not last long.
“We got to about the six-week mark, and it had gone into my tube. It was an ectopic pregnancy,” Mrs Sandford said.
That first miscarriage was the beginning of a six year battle – and nine full cycles of In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF) – to have a child of their own. It was an endeavour that would take a toll on them physically, emotionally and financially, and one that would put immense strain on their relationship.
But now, holding their “little miracle” – baby Michaela – they wanted to share their experience in the hope it might help others understand the ups, downs and lack of guarantees in the IVF process, as well as encourage more caring and compassion within the community.
“I have learned that there are certain things you should just never ask,” Mrs Sandford, 36, said.
“When you’re single, it’s: ‘When are you going to find a boyfriend?’ Then you find a boyfriend and it’s: ‘When are you going to get married?’ You get married? ‘When are you going to have kids?’
“I just don’t ask anymore.
“You don’t know what other people are going through.”
Mrs Sandford’s personal health problems added another layer of complexity to their efforts to have a baby.
She was diagnosed with severe endometriosis when she was 14, and Crohn’s disease when she was 16.
She also had low levels of anti-mullerian hormone (AMH), which indicated the quality and quantity of her eggs had diminished.
“I was a ‘rare’ case,” she said.
“And my insides were pretty much destroyed by the endometriosis.”
The couple tried IVF, but after a second ectopic pregnancy they received advice that Mrs Sandford’s Fallopian tube needed to be removed.
“At that time, we were very conflicted with the specialist’s opinions that we should have the tubes removed. We didn’t want that,” she said.
“I didn’t want both of my tubes taken away, and to lose all hope of falling pregnant naturally.
“We got other opinions… but we had to have the tube removed eventually, and from the photos afterwards, you could see that it was highly damaged as well. It was rough.”
The Sandfords persisted. In the mean time, they parented vicariously through their nieces and nephews.
“Everyone would say to us, ‘You two would make the best parents’. They saw how we were with our nephews and nieces, and with their kids. It looked natural,” Mr Sandford, 41, said.
They did not begrudge the good fortune of friends and family members as they watched them have their first, second, and even third children, despite their deep yearning for just one of their own.
But very occasionally, after yet another miscarriage, another heartbreak – they found the idea of plastering a smile on for a first birthday party, or a baby shower or a christening, simply unbearable.
“We went to a lot, we probably only missed one or two,” Mr Sandford said.
“But sometimes, we just weren’t able to go to the special events, even though we wanted to. Sometimes, it was just too hard.
“We are two nice people, and we thought it would be nice to bring someone into this world that has our characteristics and genes.
“It just didn’t seem right that we couldn’t bring someone into the world.”
After each egg collection, Mrs Sandford would wake up from the anesthetic in recovery to see a number written on her hand. The number represented how many eggs had been successfully harvested.
Some women in the room would have “15” written on their hands. For Mrs Sandford, it was always “1”. Each time, it felt like another blow.
“We got to about the fourth round, and I said, ‘I don’t want to see it written on my hand anymore’,” she said.
Infertility affects about one in six Australian couples of reproductive age, and one in 25 Australian babies are now born via IVF, data compiled by UNSW’s National Perinatal Epidemiology and Statistics Unit shows.
More than 13,500 IVF babies were born across Australia in 2016/2017.
Research published in The Medical Journal of Australia in 2017 showed IVF success rates to be highest for women aged under 30, and lowest for women aged 45 and above.
Mr Sandford said because each IVF cycle yielded just one egg, they had to go through the whole process – the injections, stimulation cycles, scans, harvesting – every time.
He said others who went through the process might get a dozen eggs from a collection, and from those, they might get six that become fertilised and are able to be transferred.
“A lot of couples can freeze five, and transfer one,” he said.
“But because we only got one egg every time, we had to go through the whole process each time.”
He said there was three key factors to the IVF experience – the physical, the emotional, and the financial.
“I think the hardest is the emotional one,” he said.
“But the cost is big too. You need to fork out 10 or 11 grand for each full cycle.
“Medicare do help, once you reach the safety net.”
After 11 miscarriages, Michaela was their $110,000 baby. Worth every penny. Every heartache. Every frustration.
They had gone through local fertility clinics, as well as tried their luck at Westmead in Sydney.
“We just never could get the right result,” Mr Sandford said.
“Between the egg transfer and the two week pregnancy test, something would go wrong.”
Mrs Sandford said she felt lost. She felt angry and frustrated.
She felt responsible.
“Even though I had support from my husband and my family, and they all say – ‘Don’t blame yourself’ – it’s pretty hard when you’re a woman and your body is supposed to be able to carry a child,” she said.
“I know there are women out there who choose not to, and that’s fine.
“But I felt the one thing I thought I was supposed to be able to do, I couldn’t. I felt like I was letting Shane down.
“We got to the eighth cycle and my head, and my body, just collapsed.
“I had just had enough.
“We started to contemplate that we may not have kids at all. We started looking into other options.”
The IVF information sessions the Sandfords had attended prior to beginning their journey had not prepared them for the battle ahead.
But nothing could. Not really, they said.
“The impression you get is that you pay your money, and you get a baby,” Mr Sandford said.
“In a way, you don’t want to tell all the horror stories, you want to tell the good ones. And that’s across the board.”
But then, after their ninth IVF cycle, they received the news they had waited six long and difficult years to hear.
“I took the phone call, and I said, ‘Can you repeat that please? We’re pregnant?’” Mrs Sandford said.
“It was really joyous to tell our family, and our friends. Because they all go through it too. To hear them crying on the other side of the phone… It was pretty special,” Mr Sandford said.
But even the pregnancy was fraught.
“We were a nervous wreck the whole way through,” Mrs Sandford said.
“We got to about 28 weeks, and my Crohn’s played up and my placenta was going to stop working, so I was on bed rest for four weeks prior to her being born.”
“We had some bleeding,” Mr Sandford said.
“We were in and out of hospital. It was terrifying. We were on tenterhooks.
“Her nursery wasn’t ready until she got home from the hospital.”
Michaela arrived prematurely, at almost 35 weeks, on July 10.
“Ever since she has come into the world, she has been a perfect baby,” Mrs Sandford said.
“Although we eventually ended up with our little miracle, our journey was really quite tragic. But if I can at least help one or two people in getting through their battle by sharing my story, that’s what I’d like.
“It hasn’t been roses. The whole process to get here has been shit.
“It has put a strain on our marriage, and my obstetrician has said if I want to have another baby I will probably go through the same thing.
“But at the moment, that’s not something I can contemplate at all.
“I don’t think my body, or my head, could take it.
“I just want to open the doors a bit more into this very private struggle for many couples and educate them of the hard truths of this process, and to say to those couples, ‘You are not alone’.”
The Sandfords wanted to publicly thank their doctors – Dr Steve Raymond, and Dr Denise Nesbitt – for their support, understanding and advice throughout the process.
“They were wonderful,” Mrs Sandford said.
Related: How to boost your fertility
Related: The best thing I ever did
Related: Along came a miracle, baby Henry
