Alec came from the country, a place of clean air and open spaces. Ive never known a life like that, never drawn a breath that didnt tell the story of my town. He gusted into my life like the winds of his old home, blowing open sealed doors, leaving previously locked shutters banging.
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I first kissed Alec on a blue-sky day. We were lying on the grass behind the Y, watching as plumes from the steelworks stacks mingled with cumulous clouds. White shapes metamorphosing continually against the blue background. I reached across the expanse between us and rested the back of my hand against his arm. Heat poured from his body into mine, his skin was electric. Id never touched someone I really liked before.
Everyone at school pigeon-holed me as one of Danni Lynchs daughters. Bound to be a dumb slut.
Alec didnt see me like that, probably because he didnt grow up here. I remember his first day. He was shy and asked if he could sit at my desk in Science, peeking out from under his floppy blonde fringe with nervous pale blue eyes.
When I shoved my books aside and said Sure, he grinned like a kid whod just been given a puppy. Ive been close to the bottom of the social pile ever since I was aware there was one so I didnt really get his nervousness.
Ive always had to shove my way into places, even when I wasnt wanted. I did feel kinda sorry for him though, figured hed just ruined his chances with the popular kids by sitting with me. Not that sorry though, because judging by his new uniform and decent looks, hed be okay in the shark tank of school.
He was funny too, cracking jokes about Miss Parlins lesson, the school and Newcastle in general.
Even though I would usually avoid someone like him, I told him some stuff, cracked a few jokes of my own. We walked to the next class together, still talking, and he sat down with me again like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Alec said later that he felt the electricity on that hot afternoon behind the Y too. Hed rolled onto his side and patted the grass between us flat, tossed a couple of butts away and looked at me. Id pulled a stupid face.
Hed laughed and told me I was beautiful. Id turned my eyelids inside out and grimaced, trying to look as hideous as possible but he had leaned into my monster face and kissed me on the lips. He had sparks on his lips and it was like a million tiny electric shocks when his mouth touched mine.
Most boys dont kiss me but if they do its rough, smashing their face against mine and pushing their tongue between my teeth, their breath hot and sour. Alecs kiss was soft.
He cradled my face in his palm and kissed me. The world stopped spinning and clouds hung unmoving in the sky. After the first kiss, I opened my eyes and looked into his. Feeling braver than I ever had before, I kissed him back.
When I lay in bed that night, I could still feel the electricity of Alecs touch, could still feel his fingers on my cheek.
After that, we walked home together most days, always to his place. Id go inside and pretend his flat was my house, pretend I could just walk to the fridge and take out a bottle of orange juice to share with my friend after school any time I wanted to. Pretend I had the place to myself because I was an only child and my mum was at work.
When I lay in bed that night, I could still feel the electricity of Alec’s touch, could still feel his fingers on my cheek.
He wanted to come to mine, see my room and meet my sisters, but I couldnt let him. What we had was built on him not knowing everything, just like him talking to me on his first day at school. I liked him too much to let him know who I was and where I came from.
Some days, we hung around town until we heard the shift change whistle at the plant. Wed lace our fingers together and race against the trudging tide of workers so Alec could be home before his mum. I asked him about that, I wanted to know what shed do if he was late. Would she hit you?
What? No, shed just be worried. He looked at me strangely and I thought maybe it was pity in his eyes. It was like a punch in the guts. I didnt go back to his house that day. Alec was hogging all the air and it wasnt until I was walking home away from him that I could breathe.
He told me he loved me on a raining afternoon. The world was grey and car lights shone from puddles in the road. Rain ran down the sides of the factories, making those hulking beasts cry.
When I didnt respond, he drew a love heart on the factory wall we were leaning against and wrote Alec loves Jena inside it. He wiped the soot from his finger on his face, smearing a dark line beneath each eye like war paint.
The shapes of the words scratched my throat as they tried to claw their way out. I bit them down, afraid saying them aloud would break the spell and show him I didnt deserve his love. I sunk teeth into my lip against the words but I let my finger stretch out and even though I forced it to not write, I allowed it to draw another love heart around his.
I should have said them, should have let those words come tumbling and dancing out the way they wanted. I should have held his face in my hands and spoken into his mouth.
Even a whisper might have been enough. I know now that silence has its own power.