"Sorry about boring old Mary. She'd be nowhere without me."
And so begins a conversation with Effie. Mary Coustas' outspoken alter-ego is her constant companion but in recent years the seasoned writer, actor and comedian has focused on family.
Not that any of this impresses Effie, best known for her role on Acropolis Now and comedy tours Effie the Virgin Bride and Star Wogs.
"Effie's better value, I think. Mary's good at putting people to sleep."
Effie runs her scathing but wondering eye over Tinder in her latest show, Love Me Tinder. Yes, she's now married to her beloved Shane Bradley Cooper and is a mum but is struggling with what she calls the "seventh-month itch".
"Years ago I found myself very bloated and I thought it was a wheat intolerance, but then I realised it must have been that toilet seat I sat on at Mascot airport months earlier," she explains.
"The result of that was the birth of my stunning baby boofhead daughter Aphrodite.
"Before getting married I had been despairing because love had not knocked on my door in any significant way. I started to panic, thinking it was never going to happen. I used to think it was them, you see, that there was something wrong with them, and then I came to the conclusion that perhaps it was me. A very confronting conclusion, that was."
Her experiences with men prior to getting married were, she says, limited to her Acropolis Now colleagues.
"And we were all related, so there was nothing physical there. We're Greek, not Tasmanian," she says.
"How many mullets can you look at before starting to feel nauseous, I ask you? But the boys are like a bad STD, they flare up every now and again.
"Anyway, I ended up marrying my first-ever kiss from primary school, now how about that for romance? I was in primary school and he was this very sweet little skip kid who was always drooling all over me.
"Life separated us for 30 years and while I was wondering whether love was ever going to happen to me, my best friend Soula from school suggested that we go to our 25-year school reunion. I was not up for that because those things can get tragic, but we decided to go just for the hell, and little did I know that the lovestruck skip, Shane Bradley Cooper, would be there. Our story is straight out of a romantic novel."
Why is she swiping left or right on Tinder, then?
"I'll tell you why. I had never been tempted to give over what I had always considered to be my greatest asset, my virginity, to anyone who wasn't worthy," Effie explains.
"So at my wedding I was a virgin. But on the night of my honeymoon I yielded because that's what is expected of us, you know? We become one. I did what I had to do that night and it unleashed this inner beast, it awakened my Southern Hemisphere.
"I have married the man I love. I don't think there is anyone else out there for me, but curiosity has taken hold and now temptation is at the end of a phone. It can't hurt to have a sniff around. To look but not touch. Just browsing thanks."
Love Me Tinder explores political correctness, love, fantasy and animal instincts - and the exploits of Effie's widower uncle Visilis and his "downstairs companion" Zeus. He had an arranged marriage and first met his wife at the altar but is now feverishly "sliding into DMs".
"I think everyone shielded him from her. My uncle recalls the moment she lifted the veil and he saw her angry face and Zeus shriveled up like a sultana," Effie says.
"This wife has since died, which was a blessing in disguise, and since then he's been the grieving widower which has been really successful for him face-to-face and on Tinder."
Effie hopes audiences will give her the strength she needs to get her moral compass back on track.
"We're sophisticated beings but there is still part of us that is an animal and we battle with the urge to see whether the grass is greener," she says. "I don't wanna be another divorce statistic. I've seen The Bold and the Beautiful. I don't want to end up like Brooke and Ridge."
Her final words are about Newcastle, a city she say is "seriously getting up itself".
"I have an affinity with Newcastle. I've seen Newcastle go from a working class, bogan place to all things for all people; tasty and diverse and interesting. It has matured well, like a good cheese, but it's still smelly at times."