THURSDAY
ENGLAND rugby union prop Joe Marler cops 10 games for his balls-and-all tackle of Wales captain Alun Wyn Jones in the recent Twickenham Test match.
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Fair enough, most people would say.
Apparently not, according to former players.
Ex-England halfback Danny Care comes to the defence of Marler, arguing such incidents are commonplace in the 15-man code.
"I've lost count of the number of people who have touched my genitals in a game of rugby", Care says.
"I don't see it as a big deal ... I can understand why people have seen it the wrong way. You don't want to see kids seeing that. It was in a rugby environment and it happens a lot."
Former England World Cup winner Lewis Moody concurs: "'It was a cheeky moment between adversaries who I dare say know each other well ... I cannot count the number of nut shots I received from opponents when walking through a tunnel at the end of a game, all done and received with smiles on faces."
Rugby union ... it's not just the game they play in heaven. It's the game where they play with your nether regions.
All of which prompts me to ask one question: Kalyn Ponga, are you still keen to switch codes?
FRIDAY
The Member for Honolulu calls a media conference in a vain attempt to convince the Australian public that he cares about them.
Nobody is buying this nonsense, of course.
For starters, Scotty From Marketing showed his true colours back when the nation was burning to the ground, and he couldn't abandon us quickly enough.
Now he assures everyone it will be safe to go to the footy this weekend, but too dangerous as of Monday.
Fair enough, but will we see ScoMo cheering the Sharkies on and singing the team song in the dressing room? Not bloody likely.
No doubt Scotty is sweating bullets after learning that his teammate Peter Dutton has gone down with Bubonic Plague.
Poor old Dutto.
Wouldn't it be terrible if the entire government copped a dose?
SATURDAY
I AM interested to note on the Knights' website a feature that documents the "five strangest moments" to have occurred at McDonald Jones Stadium.
A few of them linger long in the memory, like the night a drunken imbecile jumped the fence to help make a tackle against Parramatta in 2005, the game against Brisbane in 2008 when there was a blackout at half-time, or the time when Korbin Sims kicked a stray ball just as James Tedesco was about to catch a bomb, prompting him to fumble.
But there appears to be a notable oversight.
What about the game against Parramatta in 2006 when serial pest Peter Hoare delayed the kick-off by riding a rickety tricycle onto the pitch, carrying a couple of kittens?
That wasn't just the strangest moment ever at the stadium, it was the most bizarre incident in the history of sport.
SUNDAY
These are confusing times, and nobody seems more confused than the Old Fox of Redfern.
Coach Bennett - a renowned epidemiologist - declares after the Bunnies beat Cronulla that it's time for the NRL to ship all 16 clubs off to a tropical island to escape the Plague.
"The ideal for those contingencies is to quarantine us all," Benny says.
"Send us away as 16 teams and do the best we can to make sure no-one tests positive.
"Test us before we leave, go somewhere north where the climate is hotter ... we have to maybe be brave enough to do something other codes haven't done."
The Old Fox's main concern is "the income loss to the game if we don't play football ... if TV contracts fall over who is going to be paying?"
Yet in the Sunday papers, Benny is quoted as saying: "Look ... the show doesn't have to go on.
"I would be suspending the game indefinitely ... and you have to assume we don't play again this year.
"The most important thing in life is our health. Football is not life and death ... I don't believe we should have a Mickey Mouse competition.
"So let's suspend the season."
I'm not sure about coronavirus, but I find myself wondering if poor old Wayne has contracted mad cow disease.
Meanwhile, in the same paper I note a headline labelling Tevita Pangai Jnr the "dumbest ever to play the game" after he cops another suspension for a high shot.
That's a big call. I've met some dumb footy players in my time. Some were so thick they actually seemed to get smarter after every bout of concussion.
Mind you, I've worked with some newspaper reporters of similar ilk.
MONDAY
THE NRL comes up with an ingenious plan to replace the Warriors if they return to New Zealand and get stuck there in quarantine.
They will simply sift through the reserve-grade comp and pick out the best players to form a new makeshift team.
What a great idea. Of course, if that doesn't work, they can just drag 17 blokes out of the nearest pub and toss them a jersey each.
If there are indeed any pubs still open, that is.
TUESDAY
DAVE Smith thought there was a player called Benji Barba and had no idea who Cameron Smith was.
Peter Beattie was under the impression Cronulla were known as the "Hawks".
Peter V'Landys has obviously kicked a few goals with the racing industry, but it worries me that every time he refers to the game he now oversees, he calls it "rugba league".
WEDNESDAY
AS we ponder the very real prospect that the NRL will eventually be suspended, Knights fans are asking two questions.
Firstly, if it's called off before this weekend, does that make Newcastle the premiers? Secondly, where was the Plague when we needed it, back in 2016?