Little-known winger Matt Ikuvalu, a university student, former shoe salesman and occasional NRL player, earns a late call-up to the Sydney Roosters' backline and scores five tries in their demolition of the Cows in Townsville.

He becomes the first Chook to score five in a game since Brian Allsop in 1955 and naturally is the focus of media attention at full-time.

But one question from Channel Nine's Joey Johns prompts an answer that inadvertently seems to confirm rugby league's oldest conspiracy theory

"Generally when you're a young player, your dad gives you $2 a try. Does that still apply now you're playing NRL?" the Eighth Immortal asks.

"I hope so," Ikuvalu replies. "Dad, if you're watching, I expect - what's that, let me do the maths - 10 bucks mate."

Ten bucks ... presumably paid in a paper bag, under the table, with a wink and a nod. How much more evidence do the NRL's salary cap police need?

HAWTHORN aerial ping pong supremo Jeff Kennett fires an extraordinary broadside at ARL Commission chairman Peter V'Landys and the greatest game of all.

"The AFL leaves his code for dead right around the country ... you know he's irrelevant to places like Victoria, Tasmania, South Australia, Western Australia, the ACT and the Northern Territory," Kennett declares.

Poor old Jeff. Not only is his home town riddled with bubonic plague, but he's obviously contracted mad cow disease.

In the twilight zone time slot (Friday, 6pm), the Titans score a rare win against a Warriors team who appear to be wearing flannelette shirts. It's probably the height of fashion back home in New Zealand. I'm just surprised they didn't cap it off by wearing gumboots as well.

DEBUTANT Penrith winger Charlie Staines leaves an indelible mark in rugby league's record books with four tries in his team's 56-24 hammering of the toothless Sharkies.

The 19-year-old is the first rookie to score a quadrella since Jordan Atkins in 2008. No offence ... but Jordan who?

For the record, Atkins was a winger and centre for Gold Coast and Parramatta between 2008 and 2011. Oh, that Jordan Atkins.

Let's hope young Charlie's dream start is the launchpad to bigger and better things.

You'd like to think his teammates will pin a decent nickname on him. I seem to recall former Cronulla, Queensland and Kangaroos forward Dan Stains had a beauty.

If nothing else, he has helped spoil the Member for Honolulu's day at the footy.

ScoMo is all smug and smiling before kick-off, waving his scarf like a complete Harry Hanger-On, but trudges off at full-time with his bottom lip dragging on the ground.

It's a long drive from Kogarah to Engadine McDonald's. Let's hope he made it there without incident.

I CATCH the highlights of Melbourne's controversial win against the Raiders and what really grabs my attention is Cameron Smith's hairline.

Or perhaps that should be, the lack thereof.

Poor old Smithy. He's starting to look a bit like Ricky Ponting, before Punter's thinning locks made a miraculous and mysterious comeback late in his playing career.

If I was Smithy, I'd be getting in touch with Maddison or Steeden or one of those companies that makes headgear. He could surely line up a sponsorship deal that would be a nice little earner.

Alternatively, he could give Punter a buzz and ask how to get in touch with whoever installed his upstairs astroturf.

NRL head of football Graeme Annesley explains that he can't sack the three embattled video referees because there are no better alternatives.

"I'm not going to oversee a scenario where we take people out and replace them with lesser capability because that will take us down a black hole," Annesley says.

"That's not the best interests of the game, the clubs, or the fans."

It's a fair point. I mean, it's one thing punting a video ref and appointing a replacement ... but where are they going to find a guide dog and cane at such short notice?

LATRELL Mitchell pleads guilty after attempting to decapitate Josh Reynolds last week and cops a two-match suspension.

That means he will miss Saturday's clash with the Knights. Jeez, you can't help bad luck.

I'm a bit surprised the Old Fox of Redfern hasn't climbed up on his soapbox to claim his fullback is the victim of trial by media.

After all, every other brainless mistake Latrell has made this year has been our fault.

FOXTEL host Paul Kent reveals that he has been given short shrift by Raiders coach Ricky Stuart after inquiring about the possibility of an interview in the lead-up to this week's grand final rematch with the Roosters at the SCG.

"As you know, I get on pretty well with Rick," Kent begins, before explaining that Stuart is less than impressed with Canberra's five-day turnaround and the logistics of having to travel to Sydney on game day.

"He said: 'Mate, stick it up your a---'," Kent recalls.

Presumably Dean Pay expresses similar sentiments before walking out on the bumbling Bulldogs, after realising that the grinding noise emanating from Canterbury's boardroom is an axe being sharpened.