After a chaotic week in the citadel of truth and liberty it's getting hard to know who believes what.
Started off I was accused of not unpacking the dishwasher, which forced me to throw up an alternative fact. I HAD unpacked the dishwasher, I said, even though it sure didn't look like it. This triggered an assault on the citadel of liberty itself - me - along the lines of "are you kidding?!"
It was hard to argue at that stage, but in the spirit of maverick Qld Liberal National George Christensen, I gave it a shot.
Mr Christensen apparently still fervently believes the US election was rigged, even though no one in the US legal system seems to think so - except maybe with explosives.
So I countered that I fervently believed the dishwasher was unpacked, even though to all intents and purposes, it wasn't.
It felt kind of dumb posturing without evidence, but it seems to work in America, and now possibly in Australia.
Acting Prime Minister and Nationals boss Michael McCormack popped out of nowhere while ScoMo's on break and backed Mr Christensen's discredited social media outpourings as "common sense" on the basis of freedom of speech.
Stoking the fire just that bit more, Mr McCormack insisted all lives matter, but you got the impression he meant mostly some political lives in regional Australia.
Anyhow the dishwasher wasn't unpacked, but you couldn't stop me claiming it now was because, um, censorship is bad.
A point taken up by rogue Liberal MP Craig Kelly who thought now was about the right time to suggest that children wearing facemasks in Covid-ridden Germany was tantamount to child abuse.
Not the most responsible thing to put out there as a Federal MP amid our own domestic pandemic concerns, but as a misguided attempt to undermine local public health advice, lets raise a glass of bleach.
According to the non-peer reviewed paper Mr Kelly cited, wearing a mask causes "rritability", "headaches" and "difficulty concentrating". Similar symptoms to what you suffer when Coalition backbenchers got together while the PM's on holiday to play identity politics.
As to the final word on the truth of any matter these days, let's cross to the cricket.
Australian captain Tim Paine lived up to his surname by not leading the nation to victory on the final day of the SCG Test.
Instead he drew fire for sledging his opposition in that most un-Australian way, which is to say, the Australian way.
With tensions running high, Paine was heard on stump mic to utter the immortal words to Indian batsman Ravi Ashwin: "At least my teammates like me, dickhead. I've got a lot more Indian friends than you do."
As withering zingers go, he could have done better.
Turns out the only reason Paine had more Indian friends was because he dropped so many catches. A fact no-one disputed after the match, alternative or otherwise.
So now we head to the Gabba left to unpack where it all went wrong and hoping to find something we can truly believe.
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