CORRESPONDENCE reaches Seven Days on a far-flung golf course, bearing news that the NRL's 2021 season kicks off in a matter of hours.
"Who's playing?" I yawn, while nonchalantly sinking yet another birdie putt.
Apparently it's Melbourne versus the Rabbits - the defending champions up against this year's title favourites.
Ah yes, it's all coming back to me now. If Souths can go all the way this season, the Old Fox will become the first coach to win premierships with three separate clubs.
Many would say that makes him the GOAT, but I'm not so sure. After tonight's 26-18 defeat, Wayne's record against Craig Bellamy is now 10 and 28 ... including nine losses in a row. How can Benny be the best ever when he is Bellyache's bunny?
DANIEL Saifiti enjoys a dream debut as Newcastle skipper, leading the Knights to a 32-16 romp against the Doggies in his 100th NRL game.
Big "D-Saf" caps off a special night with a tryscoring double ... and an early entry for mixed metaphor of the season.
"The meat pies were just the cherry on top," he says with a beaming smile.
Gives me indigestion just thinking about it.
At Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane fans start chanting "bring back Seibold" after the incumbent wooden spooners lead Parramatta 16-0, only to capitulate woefully in the second half.
Poor old Kevvy Walters. The old saying "be careful what you wish for" springs to mind.
JEEZ, how bad are Manly?
The dirty, rotten Silvertails cop a 46-4 pizzling from the Roosters that suggests the wooden spoon might be on its way to Brookvale for the first time ever.
Manly are sweating on the return of superstar fullback Tom Trbojevic, but it doesn't augur well for any club to be relying so heavily on a marquee player who tears his hamstring in the shower.
Roosters warhorse Jake Friend finishes the game early after suffering yet another concussion.
With each trip to Disneyland, the little hooker is looking more and more like a Friend in need of a new career path.
Meanwhile, Cows coach Todd Payten calls out Jason Taumalolo after the 24-0 loss to Penrith.
It's the biggest dressing-down Taumalolo has copped since the police nabbed him in Townsville a few years back, throwing eggs at passing cars.
You wouldn't want to be playing against the man they call "Hulk" this week.
WHAT'S in a name?
I blame the Mata'utia brothers.
Initially they were the Matta-you-ties, until the Newcastle Herald exclusively revealed they were actually the Matt-ow-a-tee-yas, and everyone was pronouncing their surname incorrectly.
Since then it's become an epidemic.
Today we have new signings Josh Papa-lee-ee and Chance Nicholl-Kloo-sta starring for the Faiders in their 30-12 win against the Tigers.
In the opposition, another player with naming-rights issues - BJ/Joey/Jospeh Leilua - produces an uncanny impersonation of a turnstile as the Raiders race in an early try.
His brother Luciano, meanwhile, is shown in the dressing room eating a Le Snack cream cheese and biscuits in the countdown to kick-off. Now there's some food for thought.
In the late game, Matt Moylan and Josh Dugan help the Sharks win the battle of the overpaid duds against St George Illawarra's Ben Hunt and Jack Bird.
This wooden spoon race will deadset be a photo finish.
CONCERNS are raised after league legends Darren Lockyer and Luke Lewis award the Dally M points in games involving their former clubs, Brisbane and Cronulla respectively.
It's not a good look.
Then again, at least their selections appeared spot-on.
I'm a bit more worried about another judge, ex-North Sydney Bear and QUEENSLANDER Billy Moore, who for some reason felt James Tedesco's scintillating hat-trick against Manly was worth only one Dally M point.
Oh dear. Silly Billy.
THE Roosters overlook schoolboy sensation Joseph Suaalii (soon to be Su-ah-lee-ee) for NRL selection, despite securing an NRL exemption for the 17-year-old.
I'm a bit worried about the rush to unleash this spring chicken.
I mean, the kid can obviously play. But, more importantly, what is the point in picking him before he is legally old enough to go to the bar and shout all his teammates a beer?
It makes no sense.
THE NRL issues Cronulla forward Toby Rudolf with a formal warning for post-match comments made after Sunday's win against the Dragons.
Rudolf tells the NRL Fox crew he plans to celebrate with "1000 beers", before adding: "Go to Northies, try and pull something - anything will do."
Like most jokes, it's all in the timing. And given the rallies around the world demanding respect for women, big Toby's gag goes down like a lead balloon.
Despite NRL chief executive Andrew Abdo saying he was "very disappointed" with the interview, Rudolf the red-faced back-rower receives support from Manly skipper Daly Cherry-Evans.
"We want fan interaction, we want engagement in the game, we want people to love our sport ... good on him for speaking his mind and being himself," DCE declares.
Hmmm. And when exactly is Women in League round this season?