THURSDAY
ENGLAND rugby union coach Eddie Jones expresses interest in switching codes to coach South Sydney.
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"That would be the dream team," Jones says. "That would be the dream.
"From the age of five, I've supported Souths. That would be fantastic."
If Eddie does eventually make the transition from the game they allegedly play in heaven to the greatest game of all, he would become the second ex-Wallabies coach to take charge of a rugby league team, after his namesake Alan Jones had a stint with Balmain Tigers back in the 1990s.
I don't remember the "Parrot" winning too many games. All I have is vague memories of how stylish he looked while wearing a cravat with a gold-and-black tracksuit, and the acrimonious departure of club legends like Garry Jack and Gary Freeman.
It wouldn't take too much for Eddie to trump that.
FRIDAY
KNIGHTS coach Adam O'Brien reveals that he hasn't discussed the prospect of finishing stoney motherless with his players, because it might stress them out.
"The honest answer is we haven't spoken about the wooden spoon," he says. "I do get the feeling there's enough fear, or anxiety, based on results in this team. There's been a number of games where, towards the back end, we've tensed up and really focused on results. So I don't talk to them about wooden spoons. Again, you're thinking about the result there. We've just got to get our processes right."
I can't help thinking this highlights all that is wrong with the mollycoddled, modern-day footballer.
Back in the good old days, a coach would walk into a dressing room before a game, brandishing a wooden spoon, and yell at the top of his voice: "Listen up you useless bunch of *#&%s, if you don't pull your fingers out, we'll be taking this home at the end of the season and be remembered forever more as the most hopeless NRL team of 2022. Have a bloody go."
Maybe it's time for AOB to consider a similar approach, before the worst-case scenario becomes a reality.
SATURDAY
IF only there were more players like Sharks prop Toby Rudolf, the NRL would be a better place.
After the infamous boycott of the rainbow-striped jersey by seven Manly players, Rudolf declares: "Sexuality is very fluid. I've been out and kissed many gay men, kissed many straight women and kissed many gay women.
"I'm not a one-stop shop. Love is love, and I love to share it with everyone ... you could say I'm open to both genders but only attracted to one of them."
Rudolf, who says he identifies as heterosexual, celebrates Cronulla's golden-point victory over the Bunnies by skolling a beer handed to him by a punter in the crowd. It's probably not the wisest policy in this COVID era, but hats off to big Toby nonetheless.
SUNDAY
DRAGONS forward Jaydn Su'a is placed on report and charged with contrary conduct after pulling the ponytail of Cowboys rival Luciano Leilua.
I reckon he's been hard-done-by. As tackling techniques go, it's mighty effective, bringing Leilua to an abrupt half just as he looks certain to score a try.
I'd suggest it's less likely to do as much damage as one of these hip-drop tackles that have become de rigueur of late.
And at the end of the day, if you don't want your hair pulled, don't grow it in a ponytail, or a mullet, or cornrows, like half the players in the NRL these days.
I can't imagine Ben Kennedy ever had any issues with getting his hair pulled.
MONDAY
ENGLISH winger Jack Johnson, who plays for the Newcastle Thunder in England's second tier, provides eye-watering details after his testicle "explodes" in a training-pitch mishap and has to be surgically removed.
"The first question I asked was about [having] kids, and they said as long as the other testicle was fully functioning I'd be OK," Johnson explains.
"My penis is still in full working order. I also asked if I could keep the testicle that was removed so I could put it in a jar on the mantelpiece in the living room, but they just got rid of it."
My Seven Days predecessor, Kevin Cranson, was obsessed with this type of injury and would grab any opportunity to remind readers that "it takes approximately 50 kilograms of pressure to rupture a testicle".
TUESDAY
KNIGHTS coach Adam O'Brien calls a hastily arranged press conference in response to his comments at the post-match press conference on Sunday.
AOB reckons he sounded like an "egomaniac" when he said 48 hours earlier: "Previous to getting the job here, I was involved in four grand finals.
"I know how those teams prepared. I know the systems that they used defensively. You don't unlearn that knowledge."
He wants to clear it all up, so "the supporter that sits on the hill" understands where he's coming from. Fair enough, but unfortunately I'm not sure the supporter that sits on the hill will unhear what got tossed up on Sunday.
WEDNESDAY
THERE will be no hastily arranged press conference today featuring anyone from the Knights, which would suggest it's a slow news week. I guess than means it's all quiet on the western front.