A NEW year. While any old pundit can look back at the year that’s gone and depressingly remind us of the crimes, the cruds and the crashes, here’s what Kevin the clairvoyant cockatiel from Kotara predicts for 2019.
January: Revitalising Newcastle and the Hunter and Central Coast Economic Development Corporation, having fixed this city, announce they will run a candidate in NSW state election in March. A spokesperson for Revitalising Newcastle said that “Newcastle asked” for their candidate to stand for the Legislative Council. “Eight years between performance reviews? No pesky constituents asking about consultation processes? Where do we sign?!” the spokesperson says.
February: The city’s hope for Newcastle to host the eight-month 2021 ocean yacht race sinks due to a secret deal between Destination NSW and Port Kembla. Lord Mayor Nelmes says “a potential” 959 billion-trillion viewers from around the world will be denied the opportunity to see the future jewel of the Asia Pacific on the interwebs.
March: Following last month’s disappointing loss of “a potential” 959 billion-trillion interwebs viewers when Port Kembla robbed Newcastle of the opportunity to demonstrate its yacht race hosting prowess to the world, City of Newcastle (CoN) independent councillors announce they are fully behind the staging of a polo event at Foreshore park. The councillors say the polo event will yield “a potential” 960 billion-trillion interwebs viewers. “The damage the horsies may cause to the park after rain will see billions of earthmoving jobs created,” one of them said.
April: The stench-ridden idea for a skateboard bowl on South Newcastle beach is dropped following UN intervention. CoN CEO Jeremy “Uncle Jezza” Bath tells the Herald the CoN have compromised on this turd sandwich “after extensive public consultation”. The CoN will now build a giant water slide with a combo Thai massage and coffee shop at the Bogey Hole, creating more than 961 billion-trillion ongoing, sustainable, global-city jobs.
May: A wall is proposed along the Hawkesbury river by a bi-partisan committee of Hunter pollies who want to keep Sydney-types out of the Hunter. “It will be the greatest wall ever built. We will get Sydney to pay for all of the wall. Not all Sydney people are bad, but many are, and the wall will allow us to determine who comes to the Hunter, and the circumstances in which they will come,” someone says.
June: The newly-elected federal Labor government are lumped with providing compensation for Williamtown residents whose lives have been trashed, and whose property has become near worthless, because of chemical contamination from the RAAF base. “It was easier to say the government should pay when we were in Opposition,” a freshly minted Labor member says. RAAF publicists announce eight hours of low level F-35 flyovers at the 2019 Supercars as part of the healing process for the Williamtown community.
July: Former Coalition government ministers pop up in the Hunter as well-paid lobbyists for the coal industry. “I’m supporting coal the same way as I was when in Parliament but am getting heaps more money, and I don’t ever have to be in the same room as Barnaby,” a former Coalition minister is overheard saying at the International Sports Centre on “Knights for Coal” game day.
August: Port Stephens agrees to be annexed by Queensland during a visit from the head of Toad State, Premier Palasczuk, when she seeks advice from Macca regarding the Adani mine. When she spots the concrete representations of Indigenous Australians donning Santa hats in a local front yard, she is heard to exclaim, “How Queensland is that?! The people of Port Stephens need no invitation to live in thongs and shorts, harass vegans with sticks, and hoon around in 4WDs on beaches. They’re real Queenslanders,” the Premier says.
September: The identity of the property developer who told the Herald last December that Newcastle’s unit market had “tanked” is revealed. The developer is subsequently charged with naysaying by the Hunter Chapter of the Property Council.
October: The Knights win the Grand Final. Members of Wests celebrate by setting a new Aussie record for most money lost in poker machines in a 24-hour period.
November: Supercars set a new crowd record in Newcastle with 962 billion-trillion-squillion-gazillion tickets “issued”. Kiss play the greatest concert in the history of world with 963 billion-trillion in attendance at Number One.
December: Keolis Downer announce that while records indicate that almost no one used the light rail this year, their revised artist’s impression provides firm proof that upwards of 964 billion-trillion passengers will be carried in 2020.
Happy New Year and always Newcastle responsibly.
