HO-HUM. Another toilet incident involving rugba leeg players, toilets, and licensed premises. Another story about club officials again being disappointed the news is not about scoring on the park.
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Was it really a big deal or just another night when two consenting adults were asked by security at a Newcastle pub to leave a toilet cubicle and both emerged cradling a bourbon and coke?
But we don't actually know and may never know whether it was a bourbon and coke. It might have been a southern comfort and coke. Or a scotch and coke. Or a rum and coke. Or just coke.
Kalyn Ponga's father Andre said the Newcastle Knights duo of Kalyn Ponga and Kurt Mann were in the stall together because of illness. "He made an exciting house purchase Saturday and celebrated with a few mates drinking," he said. "Sick in the toilet and his mate went in to help him."
Let those who have not dropped $2.4 million on a Merewether knockdown on a Saturday arvo in winter and then celebrated by excitedly drinking with a few friends cast the first stone of speculative envy.
I don't find it hard to imagine Kurt caring selflessly for Kalyn in that cubicle of kindness. Kurt holding back Kalyn's hair, rubbing his back, and offering words of encouragement while his captain hurriedly drove the porcelain bus down regret street, perhaps toward the first of the 12 steps.
I Google what "caring, sharing, holding back hair" is in Latin. Because if there is to be a movement for a brass plaque to be installed on that Delany dunny door in remembrance of Kurt's caring for Kalyn, the occasion seems worthy of Latin inscription.
Forget the bronze statue of Joey Johns outside Turton Road. What about a brass plaque on the wall of the cubicle of care?
That plaque could provide another visitation spot to this quicky city being promoted by the City of Newcastle (CoN) in its drive to boost the visitor economy. Sure, CoN might have actually called it a quirky city rather than a quicky city in the new campaign, but they've clearly squandered opportunity. I think "quirky quicky city" would be more appealing to inquisitive rugba leeg fans.
Imagine Sydney influencers flocking to snap a selfie with plaque inscribed with "curans, communicans, comam retinens magistri equitum, dum vomit" in the red and blue. That's as close as Google Translate can provide in Latin for an English equivalent of "caring, sharing, holding back the hair of the captain while he vomits".
But after entering the Latin offering into Google Translate, the English equivalent offered is "tending, sharing, holding back the master's horse's hair while he vomits." Doesn't matter. Australians are more likely to have learnt remedial English at university than Latin at high school. Latin always impresses.
Is the massive media coverage in the public interest? Maybe not. But it sure is what the public are interested in.
IN DEPTH:
Not since 2007 - when Sonny Bill Williams and Candice Warner were videoed at the Clovelly Hotel - has there been so much speculation about "what really happened" in toilets on licensed premises involving those who play rugba leeg. Both SBW and Candice Warner, just 21 and 22 years-old respectively at the time, have expressed regret about the matter. But both owned it, accepted it was embarrassing to those who loved them and apologised to those people.
Then there was Todd Carney and "the bubbler" at Northies in Cronulla. Again, a toilet, licensed premises and a rugba leeg player. The former Dally M Medallist was at the pinnacle of his career when his bubbler left a bad taste in the mouths of Sharks' management and his $3 million contract was torn up following that big night on the squirt in 2014.
The talented footballer also copped a lifetime ban from the NRL. Carney has repeatedly claimed to have only simulated the act after "a thousand beers" and not actually "done a Bear Grylls". Carney sued for wrongful dismissal and an undisclosed settlement was reached.
There are some common claims surrounding these incidents. Talented, young rugba leeg players with fame and adulation. Too much booze. Licensed premises. Toilets.
And the other common denominator in these events is someone with a camera in the toilets. Famous people, whether they like it or not, are in the public eye, and if someone can snap them in a "gotcha" moment, they'll do it. For whatever reason. Money, clicks, self-promotion.
Is the massive media coverage in the public interest? Maybe not. But it sure is what the public are interested in.