IT isn’t easy for Angela Jay to talk about the night she was almost murdered – but she feels it is imperative.
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“One of the things I struggle with is an element of survivor’s guilt,’’ said Dr Jay, who attended the University of Newcastle and now works in Sydney as an obstetrics and gynaecology registrar.
“So many women, occasionally men and a lot of children don’t survive incidents like mine.
“Looking back it actually still baffles me how I managed to survive – it feels like such a fluke.
“Telling my story helps with that – I feel like one of the main reasons I survived is that this is the meaning of my life now, to bring light to this issue in a different way.”
Dr Jay returned to her Port Macquarie home just over a year ago and was attacked by a former partner, who had broken into the property and hidden in her wardrobe.
She was stabbed 11 times and covered in petrol, which burned her eyes and splashed into her ears and mouth.
She had applied for an Apprehended Violence Order just three days before the attack.
“It took a while to comprehend what was happening,” Dr Jay, 29, said.
“I was screaming and trying to get away, saw the blood and knife and thought ‘Oh my God, I’m getting stabbed, this seems surreal, but this is actually happening’.
“At the same time I was thinking ‘He’s going to kill me, I’m going to be one of those women you hear about getting murdered by an ex partner’.
“I thought ‘I’m never going to see my family or friends again’ and just felt immense sadness.”
Dr Jay escaped and rushed down her driveway towards her neighbour Steve Willdern.
She guided him, as she lay bleeding in his garage, how to tend to her injuries while they waited for emergency services.
“Even getting out of the house I thought I was going to die from my wounds,” she said.
“I kept telling Steve I was going to bleed to death while giving him instructions, saying ‘You’ve got to do this and this and this’.
“I don’t know how I did it, that part of me just took over.
“I went into a place of panic and fear and it drove me into a work role.
“I was probably the worst patient in the world – the ambulance arrived and I was bossing them around!
“On route to [Port Macquarie Base] hospital I was too afraid to take any pain relief because I was worried it would alter my level of consciousness.
“Then I realised ‘If I was going to bleed to death I would probably have been unconscious by now’.
“I knew I was going to a place I was familiar with; I worked there, had a lot of colleagues there and knew they’d do a good job.”
Her perpetrator drove north for two hours and got out of his car holding a knife. He was shot dead by police.
Dr Jay will reunite for the first time with paramedics who came to her aid when she speaks at the Hunter White Ribbon Breakfast at Wests New Lambton, on Friday.
“How do you thank people who have helped you in a situation like that? I’m really looking forward to giving them a hug, I’m sure it will be very emotional.”
Dr Jay believes being a doctor not only helped her survive, it has allowed her to share her story publicly.
“We break bad news and talk about confronting topics,” she said.
“It’s equipped me with the ability to talk about experiences aside from emotions.
“It might come across less genuine because I can talk about it matter of factly.
“But I do get a bit teary and a bit anxious because I’m human.
“After any event my symptoms of PTSD get worse, but knowing I’m possibly making a difference makes it worth it.”
Dr Jay said she had never “entertained the idea” she would ever be in an abusive relationship.
She and her perpetrator had dated for about six weeks.
“In retrospect there were signs I did not notice,” she said.
“Now I’m out of the situation the fog has lifted.
“My perpetrator was very controlling. He was very particular about not wanting me to speak to or interact with other guys, wanted me to delete from social media guys who I may have dated in the past or who he suspected I may be interested in.
“He would organise a lot of things that I thought was just him being caring and romantic but it was a little bit over the top.
“Looking back I did change as a person and my sister said I was not being my normal self.
“I became a little bit more timid, reliant on his approval – was he happy with this or that, checking in about things – and would get uneasy if he was annoyed with me or upset. I tried to keep him happy.
“When I wasn’t sure when or if he would come for me I was very embarrassed and found it very difficult to open up because of the shame.
“Although I knew there’s a lot of survivors that come from all walks of life, the stigma associated with it means you don’t always hear those stories.”
Dr Jay said her personal background and experience working in women’s health was proof that domestic violence did not discriminate.
“People might have preconceived notions about domestic violence only happening to low socio-economic groups or when there’s drugs or alcohol involved,” she said.
“I want to open people’s eyes that… if it does happen to you it does not mean you’re uneducated, stupid or something is wrong with you.”
Dr Jay said her experience had made her a better doctor.
“It’s definitely increased my sensitivity and empathy for my patients,” she said.
“I might not know about a history of trauma but I think I’m open to the possibilities of what someone has been through in their life.
“I’m aware there might be other things underlying what they’re presenting with.
“I delve more comprehensively into their background.”
Dr Jay considers herself “extremely lucky” to have mostly healed from her physical wounds.
“I feel discomfort in some parts of my forearm and have sensory pain issues especially because I scrub when I operate,” she said.
“My left hip where most of my stab wounds are gets sore.
“I have a major artery in my forearm that is blocked and gets painful.
“But overall I’m doing well.”
But she said her emotional and mental recovery had been more challenging.
“It’s very much an emotional roller coaster,” she said.
“In some ways I’m less hopeful about personal aspects of my life.
“It used to be very important to me to have a partner, family and in some ways I feel like that future is gone for me.
“In other ways I feel very humbled by the experience and… have a deep appreciation for the strength of human beings and what people can endure and still find joy in life.
“I’m very grateful and trying to enjoy every moment in life because you never know when your time is up.
“It does define me at the moment. So I’m trying to find my new identity because I don’t think I will ever be the same person. I need to find myself and… get a sense of who I am outside my trauma.”
A month after the attack Dr Jay signed up to White Ribbon Australia’s Trek for Respect, a more than 65 kilometre walk along the Larapinta Trail in the Northern Territory.
She raised more than $80,000 for the charity and has since set her sights on the Kokoda Track over Anzac Day next year.
Dr Jay urged those around survivors to show empathy, listen without judgement and be aware of victim blaming.
To survivors, she said, you are never alone.
“You have not done anything wrong and there’s always support available.
“It’s very difficult but if you can find the strength to reach out and find others to lean on it makes a world of difference.”
Hunter White Ribbon Breakfast Bookings: 4935 1287 or www.proticket.com.au/Events/Details/4787
For help: 1800RESPECT or Lifeline 13 11 14