IT never gets easier for Vanessa Fowler to talk about the murder of her beloved sister, Allison Baden-Clay.
"It's nine years now since she was murdered and of course initially it was very raw and difficult to talk about," Ms Fowler said.
"But we felt [our family] had so much support and encouragement from the local community that we felt that - because Allison's case was such a high profile one - that we needed to reach out to others and to make a difference.
"She was a very kind and loving person and she did not deserve what she was dealt.
"We did not want her to be remembered as the victim, we wanted her to be remembered as somebody who was strong and determined.
"We felt we had to, it was our obligation to her, to continue to share her story so that others will benefit from that."
Ms Fowler is the chair of the Allison Baden-Clay Foundation, which aims to educate the community about family and domestic violence and empower them to aid in prevention.
She will be the keynote speaker at the Friends With Dignity High Tea With Friends at Newcastle Exhibition and Convention Centre on May 22.
The event will raise funds for the FriendSafe program, which offers a device that looks like a smartwatch and connects with emergency services, eliminating the need for a phone. It will also alert people in the wearer's safety plan.
Ms Fowler said her presentation aimed to educate people about relationship red flags and share her sister's story, "so no-one has to go through the same experience that we did".
She said the foundation's training programs were based on the power and control wheel and said there was often coercive control including isolation, financial abuse and emotional abuse before physical violence.
"As a family we now look back and realise there were signs, which we did not recognise at the time," she said.
"There was a lot of coercive control in Allison's case and that was something that we did not recognise, itwas difficult to recognise, the intimidation and the lack of respect and just the way he treated her behind closed doors."
Ms Fowler said Mrs Baden-Clay's husband Gerard had disconnected the family landline and would monitor her mobile phone use.
She said he gave her an allowance and monitored how much she spent and where.
She said he made derogatory comments about her appearance, told her she was worthless and was unfaithful to her.
"We heard most of it through the trial and through the court case and mainly from her journal, her diary that was left in the house, which was then presented as evidence," she said.
"My parents and I, we did have that feeling there was something going onbecause she was not contacting us as often. We thought 'She's busy with the children', we kind of made excuses.
"We did approach her and said 'If anything is happening, if he's harming you, you just pick up those children and you come and we are there for you', we said that many, many times.
"But of course there's also fear, there's pride, there's that shame factor. She wanted her marriage to work and so it was difficult for her to make that move, because she felt there would be consequences if she did decide to leave.
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"We knew that there was something wrong but I guess our regret will be that we weren't very persistent, we didn't intrude when we should have.
"We did what we could at the time, but as I always say, we did not know what we did not know.
"If we had known then what we know now, things may have been different for Allison and her three children.
"We had no idea that it was as bad as what it was so we just want to make sure that other women are aware of what can happen and how it can happen."
Mr Baden-Clay reported his wife missing from their Brisbane home on April 20, 2012. Her body was found 10 days later.
Mrs Baden-Clay was 43 and left behind three daughters.
He was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder, with a 15-year non-parole period.
Ms Fowler said her younger sister was an "outstanding" woman, "amazing mother" and a "high achiever", who had been in the Australian Youth Ballet, was Miss Brisbane 1992 and had completed a bachelor of artsand a masters in psychology.
She spoke six languages and had travelled the world, working as Flight Centre's global human resources manager.
At the time of her murder she was working part-time as a dance teacher and helped with administration in the couple's real estate agency.
"She was always putting others before herself and always striving to be her best, in everything that she did she strove for perfection," Ms Fowler said.
"As a sister and as a daughter she was always so kind and generous and always was there for us when we needed her."
Ms Fowler said her sister's murder was an "absolute tragedy" that rippled across the community.
"It turned our world upside down," she said.
"We were a very close family and always have been and so this has certainly brought us closer together.
"But of course it uprooted all of our lives... it certainly has affected all of our lives and not just the immediate family, but everyone and of course friends and those who knew Allison have all been having to cope with the devastation for many, many years."
Ms Fowler said her retired parents, now in their 80s, had relocated to Brisbane to care for their three granddaughters. Ms Fowler's family also moved closer to the girls.
"They're growing up to be strong and resilient and confident young women. The eldest is in her last year of university and the other two are still at high school."
She said the foundation urged people to intervene safely and effectively.
"We want people to delve in behind those closed doors and really listen and see what's going on and then I hope I can empower them to actually step in and interrupt that situation that's going on.
"I don't expect people to swoop in with a superhero cape on and fix the situation, because that often leads to life threatening situations.
"All I ask is that they plant that seed of support, let the person know you're aware of what's going on and that you're there if they want to have that conversation.
"They might reject you initially, but perhaps in six months' time when they're ready you need to be ready for them to come to you and say 'This is what's going on, I really need your help, it's getting really bad'.
"You need to let them know that you will not judge them, that you will believe them, that you are there to help and they can trust you."
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