MUMS just don't seem to do it.
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It's as if they believe an umbrella is solely for the mature use of protection from the rain or sun (or to shelter from that rogue magpie that keeps giving it a go at this time of year!)
Dads, on the other hand, have an in-built sense of wonder about this weather-dependent device and its many, many possibilities.
Add a dash of imagination and the tied-up brolly becomes any number of things; a sword, a putter, a microphone, a cricket bat, a gun, a jousting pole, and much, much more.
Sure, anyone can sensibly carry an umbrella into the local football game, but a man true to himself will know he actually carries a light sabre, a pointing device, a telescope, a kendo stick (a shinai, if you will) or a curling brush.
Give a dad an umbrella and stand back.
Watch the inner excitement build from being handed the responsibility of bearing something as close to being a lance in the 21st century as you'll find.
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Perhaps the keenness on carrying a brolly comes from a medieval heritage of being a noble father, broadsword at his side, ready to defend the family's honour.
There is unwritten (until now) mathematical formula about the length of time a man holds an umbrella and the breadth of imagination that it taps.
Basically, the longer he holds a waterproof parasol, the higher the likelihood of said device being visualised as something else, usually from within the sporting or weaponry arenas.
Yep, it's embarrassing; yep, it can be childish; yep, there's the potential for someone to get hurt (a stray javelin hurl could certainly do some harm) but that's why we love them.
At the very least, the rigid device of metal and nylon/polyester/rayon/plastic will become an instant walking stick, quickly turning the male holder into a wise statesman, a learned English scholar, John Steed from The Avengers (no, not the Marvel ones... although there is potential for it to secretly be Thor's hammer, Mjolnir) or Charlie Chaplin.
Given five minutes or so of this, and it's fairly likely Batman's foe, the Penguin, will suddenly emerge.
The more cultured dads may even dare to open the device, find a street lamp and give a quick Gene Kelly impersonation. That's a rarity though.
Yep, it's embarrassing; yep, it can be childish; yep, there's the potential for someone to get hurt (a stray javelin hurl could certainly do some harm) but that's why we love them.
It's those silly "guard down" moments, those brief few seconds or minutes that dad is actually a fierce tribesman or a firefighter or an alien with a ray-gun, that can lighten a long wait, bring a smile to a weary child or a knowing nod of solidarity from other dads in the vicinity.
They're called memories. They need to be cherished.
So this Father's Day, perhaps a sturdy, well-made (afterall, it could have to withhold the heavy strumming should it instantly become a guitar) bumbershoot is the gift of choice.
It's the present that gives far more than protection from the rain; it's a ticket to a world of imagination, a world many children and grandchildren would delight in sharing. And then cringe in seeing as well.
Fun for the whole family! Happy Father's Day.
Ashley Walmsley
Ashley Walmsley is the editor of ACM's only national, fresh produce magazine, Good Fruit & Vegetables, while also covering horticulture stories for the agricultural papers and websites. He also writes the weekly, The Ringer, column in the Qld Country Life.
Ashley Walmsley is the editor of ACM's only national, fresh produce magazine, Good Fruit & Vegetables, while also covering horticulture stories for the agricultural papers and websites. He also writes the weekly, The Ringer, column in the Qld Country Life.
