Larissa Crummer has never been through a tougher period in her footballing career.
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Nearly 12 months on from horrifically breaking her leg playing for Newcastle in the W-League, the 23-year-old remains a frustrated spectator.
At the start of the W-League season, the Jets left open the door for Crummer to return if and when she was ready.
But after a string of setbacks, including an infection that has been preventing her bone from healing, the Matildas striker-cum-defender is still unable to run without pain and has told the club she will not be back in action in 2019-20.
"Making that decision was actually pretty hard," Crummer told the Newcastle Herald. "Before that I had in my head that I was going to come back to W-League and that was actually keeping me going.
"Now there's not really an end. It's just pushing and pushing until I'm actually fit. That's hard. You're not pushing to get back for something. You're just pushing yourself every day to get better.
"It's definitely been a mental struggle and it's good that I'm home with friends and family at the moment. That's been nice."
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Crummer remained in Newcastle during the off-season and pre-season but has returned to her home base of Noosa on the Queensland Sunshine Coast to be with family and friends.
For now her focus is on doing what she can as well as she can. That means two to three sessions a day, five or six days a week in the gym, on the bike and in the pool.
"It's been hard," Crummer said. "Everyone says to me, 'How do you get up and want to do it; you're actually pretty strong'.
"Well there's nothing else. My whole life has been football and I want to get back and play. It's all I've known and what I want to get back to. So I guess that's the only thing that's pushing me right now."
She dreams of running and kicking a ball and some gym days are harder than others.
"Those are the days that really count, the ones when you don't actually want to do it and actually get [to the gym]," she said.
"For me, those are the ones that count."
Crummer has vowed to be back for the 2020-21 season and is determined to return stronger, both physically and mentally, than ever. That determination has become her driving force.
"I've had a few people tell me that I probably won't ever get back to being the same player," Crummer said.
"Of course I'm not going to be the same player. I think going through all of this, I'm definitely going to be a different player to what I was when I get back. That's kind of exciting for me, to see how I get back."
When she does return, she wants it to be in Newcastle colours.
"The support I've had from the club has been phenomenal," she said. "I've never had that kind of support from any other club. It's more like a family and it's definitely somewhere I hopefully end up again and again and again."
Crummer signed with the Jets last season. She was World Cup bound when she broke the fibula and tibia in her left leg against Adelaide on January 25 this year.
By April she was off crutches and back in the gym and eyeing a return this W-League season. But an infection was preventing the bone from healing and in August she had further surgery to replace a rod in the leg. She has been on antibiotics since.
"I still can't run. I'm still having trouble just figuring out the running stuff," she said. "It still hurts a bit when I start to run, so I'm basically just doing strength stuff and swimming and doing bike sessions."
Crummer has been glued to every Jets' match this season and is eagerly anticipating attending their next outing against Roar in Brisbane on January 29.
"They're doing really well, especially considering we didn't have any internationals come in," Crummer said.
"The girls have played together for a long time and are all comfortable and all really good friends within the squad and I think that's what's going to push them this year to have a really good season."
When she is back playing, Crummer plans to appreciate every moment.
"It's going to be really nice to step back out on that field, I can tell you that much," she said.
The Jets have the bye this round.
