Lose 10 kilograms by March, no booze Sunday to Thursday, use the gym membership and avoid any form of meat at least four days a week. Quit the job in dramatic fashion, go for a hike in New Zealand, save money and stop buying stuff you don't need.

Gurney your aura, om for world peace and lose any remnants of jaded cynicism that do nothing to make the world a better place. Splurge your entire quota of thoughts and prayers on the Knights to make the eight and for the Jets to avoid the wooden spoon.

Personal goals aside, what lies ahead for our great city in 2020? Are we leaving the troubled teen years and sliding nervously into our anxious 20s?

Thankfully, as is now custom round these parts, Kevin the clairvoyant cockatoo from Kotara has looked deeply into his crystal ball. While any pundit can fill the space with a wrap-up of what happened during the past 12 months, only Kevin can point to the year ahead with any degree of accuracy and *guaranteed reliability.

January: More bushfires. Worse bushfires. Climate change denial headquarters at 2HD burns down from more, worse bushfires but it's business as usual for the major political parties. In a super-excellent-fossil-fuels-future-economy initiative from the Feds, talkback callers who start rants with "I'm not a scientist, but ..." will receive an autographed lump of black stuff from the coal-fondler-in-chief, Scotty from marketing.

February: Newcastle state MP Tim Crakanthorpe issues three successive media releases not containing the city's favourite political catchphrase, "Newcastle deserves better". This causes confusion among the three remaining paid news journalists in the Hunter who are yet to be made redundant. Crackas suspects hackers and attackers with factional backers.

March: Wests start building an over-50s sky village at Nex in Newcastle. Nex minute, apartments fly off-the-plan when the superannuated target market realise they can slip downstairs and blow their remaining super in the casino, which we in Newcastle call a club because it serves cheap schnitties on Tuesdays and sounds harmless compared to 'giant pokie palace'. Hunter punters deliver $1.1 million in profits each day to clubs and hotels in the Hunter, and Nex is shaping up to increase that revenue substantially. "We are particularly confident that this is the ultimate business model, given that many resident punters will be old and lonely, and will only need to travel a short elevator ride from their bedroom direct to the poker machines, which we are currently lobbying the government to have recognised as legitimate companion animals," said a proud ClubsNSW spokesperson.

April: The Hunter electorate's Coal Fitzgibbon gives a keynote address at the NSW Minerals Council-backed Voice for Mining Family Day Knights game at Marathon Stadium. "It's important mining has a strong voice in Canberra, because what we have seen in the Hunter is me nearly losing my seat because of bad policy by the latte-ists in the ALP." His speech is met with raucous cheers from NSW Minerals Council CEO Stephen "we-have-a-policy-on-climate-change-but-I'm-not-here-to-discuss-that-today" Galilee.

May: Lord Mayor Nuatali Nelmes announces plans to proceed with the Newcastle ocean baths redevelopment, including removal of the circular cement structures at the south end of the pool. Locals are up-in-arms about the senseless destruction of the "butcher's blocks", as they are affectionately known. On those very blocks, generations of Hunter children learned resilience and self-defence skills by violently fighting for their rightful place atop prime baths real estate and accompanying "king of the (New)castle" status. Talkback doyenne and devil worshipper Alan Jones criticises the plans and says Nelmes' blockless vision is why today's children are poncy snowflakes who demand to be referred to by a personal pronoun of their choosing.

June: NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian makes a surprise visit to Newcastle in a desperate search for any remaining state assets that might be privatised. After failing to find any, she makes a midnight visit to Hamilton TAFE and removes the brass doorknobs with a crowbar. She hocks the doorknobs at the Broadmeadow Cash Converters and puts the $27 raised towards a much-needed expressway to ensure that rich people on Sydney's North Shore can commute without lowering themselves to the shameful act of catching public transport.

Kevin will return in a fortnight to reveal his predictions for the second half of 2020.

*guaranteed reliability not available in all locations. T&Cs apply. Please consult the internet if pain persists and mostly gamble responsibly. Not available with any other offers.

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