HAVE you received an invite to the "VIP Event" slotted for the historic Fort Scratchley this coming Saturday?
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No? Me neither. Sad face. We're not worthy.
Of course, this VIP event at the historic Fort Scratchley is fancy speak for getting on the squirt behind velvet ropes at a Supercars knees-up.
The invitation issued to the VIP and accompanying 'guest' comes courtesy of the Lord Mayor of Newcastle Cr Nuatali Nelmes and the Chief Executive Officer Jeremy Bath.
Invitations were engraved onto 28-gram, 24k gold bars. They were delivered to VIPs by a handsome footman who travelled to the VIPs' stately mansions in a platinum carriage drawn by elephants.
The invitations state that details regarding venue access will be delivered by a secret squirrel after the VIP responds to the RSVP.
There's even a CoN address for VIPs. I wonder if the VIPs also use VIP@ncc.nsw.gov.au to demand pesky trees be treated immediately with the Ryobi beetle.
The VIP's guest is referred to in PR circles as the 'plus one', or more colloquially among the great unwashed as the VIP's 'strap-on'.
The invitation to the special event at Fort Scratchley is signed off by the Lord Mayor and the CEO with "we are proud to be hosting this world-class event...".
It appears they'll be raising their thumbs skyward to see Supercars continue for another five years in the East End, where inconvenience has resulted in psychological reactance among a considerable number of residents and businesses.
Psychological reactance refers to a reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioural freedoms - such as a restriction of freedom of movement or perceived or actual inconvenient changes to usual amenity.
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It will be eye-opening to see how CoN chooses to publish the analysis and final report of the Newcastle 500 Community Survey - open to responses on the CoN website until 31 March - given the transparently enthusiastic support for the event from CoN's Lord Mayor and CEO, as well as Newcastle's state member Tim Crakanthorp.
Yes, yes, there's a charity auction at historic Fort Scratchley at Saturday's shindig and money will be raised for good causes.
The whole VIP thing is a bit of a toss - especially when you don't get an invite or a call up as a VIP's strap-on. VIP status is something that money can buy for those who have not risen to fame through personal achievement in Newcastle, such as an appearance on RBT for blowing over .05 while fanging an unregistered '94 Hi-lux up Industrial Drive.
Sporting events and concerts have taken the VIP biz to a new level.
There's expensive seats, very expensive seats and absolutely ridiculously expensive seats.
There are corporate boxes serving party pies and Tooheys New, and then there's corporate boxes serving freshly shucked oysters, flown-in sashimi, free-flowing Veuve Clicquot and top-shelf Scotch whiskeys.
In Qatar at the World Cup, driving to the any of the stadiums where the Socceroos were playing saw two congested driving lanes for plebs, one near-empty driving lane for media and VIPs, and one consistently empty lane for VVIPs.
Probs because the VVIPs came in by helicopter.
Sometimes there were so many VIPs, the surplus got bumped to the VVIP room and the VVIP were elevated to the VVVIP rooms.
There, a shirtless Robbie Williams would rub their feet with imported honey from the Adriatic coast while humming Angels in a piercing falsetto.
This was a constant reminder to plebs and even the VIPs that there was always room for status anxiety.
In Newcastle at Turton Rd, non-VIPs get to drink warm, headless mid-strength beer in a plastic cup after lining up for yonks.
The VIPs go to corporate boxes with full whack jungle juice and clean toilets.
Airlines are similar.
Those who turn left into business class are apparently provided with caviar prepared by virgin elves, while those who turn right are subjected to a unique form of torture known as 'economy'.
Anyhoos, a week from now Supercars will be over.
Oh sure, it'll then dismantling for a few more weeks, but that's a minor detail.
Complete the community survey. It's not a vote, but a chance to put forward a view.
But it's how those views are reported back to the community that will be a true test of CoN's commitment to their transparency mantra.
And for those of us not invited to Fort Scratchley next Saturday, it's comforting to know there are countless VIP lounges around this state where we are welcome just about any time.
